Yea I wish. Honestly I do not know where this weekend went. I literally blinked and it was gone. I am in a slight manic state called hypomanic. This started Friday when I woke up from heavy sleep the day before. I was really sick and my body just shut down I slept for 12 hours. No not uninterrupted buy collectively.
After my normal routine of getting up and taking the kids I came home and cleaned. Like actually sanitized my house. It needed it badly. Then I went to therapy.
I enjoy therapy. Mostly because she let a me get everything out I need to. The problem is I am always there longer than my appointment. I also talk a mile a minute and do not know how that hour goes by so fast. I am also not sure what or if she understands what I am saying I talk so fast. Every now and again she types things in her computer. I’m assuming it notes about my behavior.
Anyways so Friday was good. Saturday was also good. I started to potty train my son so I went and bought some pull ups. He now refuses to let me put them on him but hey one step at a time. Saturday night rolls around and my kids fall asleep earlier than expected. So you would think I would sleep. Nope up all damn night.
Morning comes and the kids get up and I’m exhausted. Some how it’s lunch time then nap. Well I napped because I was exhausted woke up and the neighbors came over. Before I knew it I was rushing my dinner, then baths then bed.
How in the hell did I get to Sunday night and feel like my weekend didn’t happen? I hate this feeling and it is exhausting.
It’s that time of year again. That time where I give my therapist and husband the benefit of the doubt and start working out to prevent myself from being down. They don’t realize it doesn’t stop me from being too up. Anyways so yesterday I said ya know what we are going to do this Chelsea. And I did. After I stalled for a few hours by taking care of my kids, and other household chores.
Finally I sat down at my laptop and saw I got a discount for daily burn through my Sorority. So I signed up for 30 days free. I can only imagine that by the end of the 30 days I will have fallen off the bandwagon again. If I don’t I will have a 20% discount waiting for me. It’s only $20 a month and there are so many varieties of workouts. It reminds me of beachbody but I feel as if this gives better options.
I went through their survey to figure out what workouts would match to me and there was this one which is a twist between yoga and beginners ballet. Awesome! Not too hard on my young achy joints. I will be able to get lean and also be able to stretch out. I wanted to also try Pilates today too. Yea that did not happen. I’m telling you by the time I was done with my 35 minute workout I was pouring sweat from BALLET! How does that happen?!
Well I took a shower, then all the sudden got a huge migraine. So I think I twisted my neck the wrong way because it is in my neck. It is finally starting to subside but not soon enough. I have had to walk down to my living room like four times to get diapers, take more Excedrin and get myself a drink. I swear my brain is just like do this so you can feel your butt cheeks and thighs hurt. Every step I take they hurt. So tbat has to mean it’s working right?!
Anyone else talk to themselves in such ways? Just Me? Thought so. Anywho, I need to run and get a throat drop and use the potty again. Thanks brain.
It’s my favorite time of the day bedtime. Why do I love it so much? I get to snuggle with my kids, watch their favorite movies and sometimes ones I loved from childhood. This lasts about an hour and my children are out cold.
So for the next hour I try to watch something extremely boring so I will fall asleep. Another hour goes by and I’m still wide awake. No I do not have sleeping medication like most. Sleeping just became an issue not too long ago.
I have tried everything to sleep. Reducing caffeine, I used to drink a 2 liter bottle of pepsi a day, I cut back to practically none. I drink a cup of tea in the morning, occasionally. I wish to be a heavy coffee drinker, but it started to give me stomach issues. I have tried Zzz quil. That shit doesn’t work. I have tried every other sleep aid and they all don’t work.
So once I finally fall asleep. I get a solid hour before I wake up. Check on the kids. Use the bathroom. Come back upstairs. Try again to fall asleep. At least another hour goes by. This is basically on repeat until my alarm goes off.
I have not slept solidly in almost two months and it is literally making my moods worse. I’m already on edge in the morning because I have barely slept. Add kids to that mix. It is not good.
I know at this point you’re like well why doesn’t she talk to her doctor. Well, I have talked to my primary doctor. I got told it is stress. Yea I get that but I have had more stress before and still slept. My therapist said it has to be stress and try calming exercises before I go to bed. Sure let me just count sheep and do yoga while trying to get my children to bed. Wait it gets better, my therapist also says it could be my husband’s snoring or me co-sleeping. I have been married 5.5 years he has snored for those 5.5 year plus the year we were together before. That’s almost 7 years he has been snoring hasn’t bothered me before. Let’s keep going though. Yes, I co-sleep. Mostly because my children are my comfort while I sleep, but my son is almost to that age where he will be in his room. He is 2. I love his snuggles. My 4 year old sleeps in her room without an issue.
I am laying here as we speak annoyed as all hell. Why can’t I sleep!! I only ask for one night. I will definitely be telling my psych this is a problem in a few weeks. Hopefully I can find a solution. Until then I will continue to struggle.
Here’s to a good night.
Every morning it is the same thing wake up, get the kids up and ready for the school day. Most mornings I wake up feeling like I just went to bed, mostly because I didn’t sleep well or at all for that matter. I can’t seem to ever sleep for more than a few hours. And yet here I am every morning forced to function.
I am mostly thankful for mornings like today. Snow days. Well not really my daughter still has preschool that starts at 830 and dismisses at 12 today because of the snow. She is also saying she does not feel well. So she is staying home because ai do not have the energy to drive her there then drive back in a couple hours in the snow. My son on the otherhand has been running a fever all week. It finally broke over night but hasn’t been 24 hours since it broke, so he was staying home either way.
I knew they were gunna stay home so why am I up with them? I honestly do not know I could still be sleeping but I am wide awake. I am trying to be a good mom and make pancakes, but my son is standing at my feet screaming like he does most mornings. And my daughter is in the other room asking if she is being good.
Being bipolar is so hard sometimes especially when you have young children. Some mornings I cannot stand the screaming and crying my son does. Not just because it’s annoying so early in the morning but because he needs my attention every second and I have other mom things to get done. I cannot always be super woman. Most days I feel like a crappy mom because my own head is spinning I can’t always be 100%.
I did not ask to be bipolar, hell I didn’t ask for a lot in my life. All I can continue to do is keep waking up against my will and do the same screaming routine every morning because my kids need me, no matter what.
So as your reading this you are probably saying wow this lady jumps all over the place. Yea well that’s my brain and how it works. I talk that way too. It’s really annoying for me too.
I’m writing this blog because there are moms all over the world who are in my same shoes. I want you all to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.